What If #2

What if…I don’t know what to wear?

My immediate response to this would be: I provide all of my clients with a preparation guide that has an entire section on wardrobe.

I attended a workshop a while back and the photographer I was learning from asked, “what’s your superpower?” My response - preparing clients for their session.

WOWWWW! Was I wrong! My superpower, I would realize many years later is the ability to make my clients comfortable. Around the time I realized that, I also realized I knew very little about how to prepare clients for their sessions at all. So I learned all about it, and kept working at it until I felt like an expert!

Wardrobe is actually one of my favorite parts about the boudoir experience, it’s a great way for a client to express herself, step out of her comfort zone and even try to be the sort of woman they only imagined being…all while actually just being herself, duh!

BUT I also know how stressful we make ourselves trying to find the perfect outfits. That’s why I took on part of that stress and created my client closet, a place that holds a variety of styles in sizes XS-4XL.

In my preparation guide there are examples of different styles of lingerie that work best with different shapes and sizes as well as other options if a client would prefer to do something more casual instead of something super sexy!

If I were preparing for my own session I would do:

• A bra and part set

• A bodysuit or teddy

• Just the sheet

My Success is Different Than Your Success

It took my whole life, literally 28 years, to realize that my version of success isn’t going to look like anyone else’s.

I’m cleaning out my office today in preparation to turn it back into a shooting space and am finding ALL THE THINGS. For example, my journal from 2019.

I wrote, “I will make six figures and be financially free.” I also wrote that I would be a wife too, but if you follow me on social media, you know how that’s going!

I wrote that in 2019. Right after a friend of mine told me she made $100,000.00 that year. I’m not one to compare myself to others but I couldn’t figure out how she made that and I didn’t. At the time I was definitely shooting more than her and I think I charged a little more too.

So the idea came into my head that making six figures would make me successful.

I busted my ass in 2020, I worked harder than I ever have in my life. I was shooting non-stop, was shut down from COVID-19 and had to reschedule 40 clients into an already packed schedule, my stress levels were high and I was tired!

BUT I DID IT! I made six figures AND I got completely out of debt AND for the first time in my life had a good chunk of money in my savings account.

I will tell you one thing, it still didn’t make me feel successful, it still didn’t feel like enough. It was then that I realized my level of success can’t be compared to someone else’s.

COME TO FIND OUT SHE LIED TO ME! Yup, she never even made that much!

The joke was on me, but it opened my eyes that I can’t compare my success to anyone else.

My version of success is:

• Being financially free - to me this means having no debt and bringing in enough money so I don’t have to struggle

• Creating work I love - this means always growing and learning and never working a job I don’t love and allowing myself to be creative and try new things

• Taking time off - and not having to worry if I can afford to do it

• Spending time with the people who mean the most to me - which I’m able to do because of how successful my business has become and that allows me to create a schedule that works for me

This year has been great, I was able to take most of the summer off and spend a lot of time at the beach. I set a goal to buy a house this year and we are in the process of doing so. As the year comes to an end I will set goals for 2022 that are made specifically for me and the things that are important to me.

What If #1

I decided right this second that I’m going to start a whole series on this sentence starter: WHAT IF…

I can’t begin to tell you how many emails I get that start with this. Let me begin by saying it’s OK and it’s NORMAL! I think we as women get so caught up on being perfect (or trying to be) that we forget that we are human. BEING A HUMAN MEANS WE ARE NOT PERFECT!

So here we go…

What If #1

What if I’m awkward?

I mean…aren’t we all a little awkward? I’m serious! There are definitely moments that come up in my life regularly that I’m like, “holy shit, that was so awkward.” Usually it’s because of me!

We aren’t experts in every part of our lives so there are things that aren’t going to feel as normal to us as they are to others.

For example, going LIVE on social media is one of those things that I’m just not good at. It’s awkward as fuckkkk for me but other people are GREAT at it! I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of anxiety that comes when the screen says 3…2…1…LIVE. Like ok, great, now what do I say? I’ll tell you what I say, UM…UMMM…UMMMMMM…. it really is pretty amusing how awkward I am.

So here’s my question, why do women think that being half naked, upside down, in front of a complete stranger wouldn’t be awkward?

It 100% is! You have NO IDEA what you’re doing! I can tell you from my own experience, as someone who DOES know what they’re doing it IS awkward being half naked in front of a stranger WITH A CAMERA!!!!! I swear, they tell me to put my hands over my head and I’m on the floor touching my toes. Again, amusing!

But I also believe being afraid of being awkward shouldn’t hold anyone back from booking a session. I have put so much time, money and training into learning all that I can and more about boudoir, posing my clients and working with all women to create beautiful, empowering images with everyone who goes in front of my camera. From what to do with your body to how to breathe through your lips, I guide clients through every pose from start to finish, so the awkwardness goes away, and usually pretty quickly!

So, with that being said…go on with your awkward self and book the damn shoot! You may be surprised to find out you’re not awkward at all!

If I Don't Work, I Don't Make Money

Money used to be one of those things I felt that I couldn’t talk about. It used to be because I was broke and didn’t have any, and then it was that I had too much and felt conceited bringing it up. Maybe. Who knows…definitely not me! But one thing I do know is that when you run you own business and are the only employee, if you don’t work, you don’t make money.

The last few days I haven’t been able to get out of my own way. It’s almost that time of the month which knocks me on my ass, I’ve been busy, it’s HOT AS HELL outside…there’s a thousand variables. But what I do know is that I can barely keep my eyes open and not much work has happened this week.

So today I am working through the exhaustion that has taken over my body and pushing through to get some things done.

Here’s what my to do list is looking like:

1. Edit 4 Clients

2. Schedule 4 Viewing & Ordering Sessions

3. Drop Products at Post Office

4. Take Down Tent

5. Plan Family Christmas Minis

Wish me luck!

I Can't Imagine...

Have you heard the song “I can’t imagine” by Ben Platt ?

I woke up this morning with it stuck in my head and now can’t get it out. Not going to lie, I’m not even that mad about it - it’s GOOD!

But it’s bringing up so many emotions for me.

In November it’s going to be the 11th anniversary of my brothers death.

I think back to who I was before that day and after that day and it’s two completely different people. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if he didn’t die. Would I still suffer with depression? Would I allow people to take advantage of me? Maybe I would be a little stronger, or care a little less. Maybe I wouldn’t be uptight and serious all the time and just have more fun. There are so many maybes. But it did happen, he died and things changed, especially me.

I’ve thought about suicide a lot since that day, but there have been two times in particular that it was more than a thought and I had a plan. It pains me to admit that, but I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, so that gives me strength to always share my struggles. I don’t know why these two times were different. I used the excuse of being on depression medication the first time but the second time was years later and I was in a good place.

Thankfully I didn’t take action on my thoughts. I have so much to live for, I would break my own heart if I took my own life. So why do I feel this way?

I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s something I’m going to have to live with forever but it also makes me think, about all the things I would miss.

I’m such a different person than I used to be. I’m stronger and more confident. I have created such a beautiful life, it’s more than I could have ever imagined for myself. I can’t imagine my life without me in it, and I don’t want to. SO I will continue to fight, through my depression, this crazy world and anything else that stands in my way because I deserve all that I have and more.

Wake Up Call

Sleep might be one of my absolute favorite things in the world. Nothing is better than that deep sleep, you know the one…where nothing can wake you up…except the phone vibrating right next to you. Yup, I was woken up to a phone call from my boyfriend this morning and also a text that I was reading while not really listening to him. Then realized he was calling about the text.

I’m not going to get too deep into the topic of what it was about or ALL THE DRAMA that came after it. BUT I am going to talk about my feelings, because they’re real and they’re validated and they’re more important than anyone else’s.

I remember when my brother died everyone gave their condolences and said “he had the biggest heart and most beautiful smile.” What a friken compliment! It was so true, and I don’t know what’s really more important than that in this life.

I can honestly say the same about myself, I have a big heart (smile is super questionable #restingbitchface), I trust easily and I get hurt often. I fear the day I don’t see the good in the world so I take advantage of that shit while I have it! Like I said, I get hurt often - because I give people the benefit of the doubt and trust that they will do the right thing and honestly even love them when they don’t!

BUT when people think their feelings come before mine….

1. NO. They don’t.

2. I don’t love you, I actually can’t stand you.

3. Fuck You.

For too long I have allowed others to put me on the backburner, and honestly I like it there most of the time. But when people who really don’t hold a huge place in my life - because they have created drama - create MORE drama, that creates a BIG problem for me. So after two hours of talking/venting about it here’s what I came up with:

• Some people just aren’t good people.

• It’s okay to say you don’t want said people in your life.

• It’s also okay to block the shit out of them on social media!

My peace of mind means more to me than “people pleasing” people I don’t even like and who aren't even nice to me.

WOWWW! I need to read that over and over again 500 times a day…starting today!

Work-Life-Balance

Do you believe there is such a thing as a work-life-balance? For years it is something I strove for, that place in the middle where I had plenty of time to be home with my family and enough time for all things business. Ten years of being a business owner I am a strong believer that it’s a fabricated concept someone really influential must have made up so we could all try to be just like them. Maybe I’m wrong, honestly, I pray that I am wrong…but I really don’t think I am.

This morning I woke up feeling so much anxiety, my chest felt heavy and I spent some time thinking about what it is.

I have a GREAT life.

I own my own business, doing exactly what I was meant to do and love doing. I’m able to work when I want and with who I want (that’s a new thing…I used to think every client was my client but that’s simply not the truth), I have curated the most welcoming space for not only all women and all bodies, but also for myself. I have a space that doesn’t allow judgement - so when I try something crazy and fail who cares!

I have the most beautiful relationships with the most wonderful people. I have a safe home, a car that gets me from point A to B, no debt, a savings account and so much more. (This wasn’t the story a few years ago, then…I was trying to figure out how to claim bankruptcy but thankfully those days are in the past!)

I have an abundance of things I am grateful for. A positive outlook on life (most days) and a heart so big that sees so much good in the world.

BUT if my life is so great, why am I sitting here writing about anxiety over a work-life-balance?

Because I feel GUILTY!

I feel guilty that I am folding laundry and not editing a client.
I feel guilty that I made pesto yesterday instead of answering emails.
I feel guilty that I stay up late editing and don’t get to snuggle before bed with the love of my life.
I feel guilty that I spend money instead of saving it.
I feel guilty that I go to the beach and my clients are waiting on their photos.
I feel guilty that I forget to answer clients DMs back because I got busy doing another task.
I feel guilty that I don’t eat healthy all the time because some weeks are just too busy to meal prep.

I COULD go on but I won’t.

Instead, I am going to forget the idea of balance today and just do what needs to be done, because life goes on with or without me and what gets checked off my to-do list is up to me!